everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Randomize
