Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
if only i could text you this smell
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
