Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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