I think im going to throw up on grandma
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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