I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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