I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
