69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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