He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
