Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
