glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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