first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
