When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Randomize
