I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
