FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
