(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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