I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
3pm strippers are depressing
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
