2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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