Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
please come you make the beer taste better
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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