Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
