I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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