you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
