My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
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he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
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His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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