the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
