About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
