You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I need a beard to bite.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
