im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
