When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
