we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
