Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
