I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
