it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just found puke in my bra..
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
