dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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