My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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