I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
