Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
