I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
