I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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