Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
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Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
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He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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