Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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