New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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