I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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