I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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