Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
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The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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