I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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