I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
