I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Buhtt sex?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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