you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
