OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
where does the pee come out of this thing
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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