I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
