I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
