I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
