He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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