Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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