I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
