threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Less talking, more tequila
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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