can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
