Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
